My struggle with addiction...

[SonOfPluto]

For the past several years, I have been addicted to tramadol, a so called 'non-narotic' painkiller that isn't supposed to be addictive. Well, it turned out that its very addictive and that's because it works as both an anti-depressant, inhibiting reuptake of serotonin and norepinephrine, and as a pain killer that binds to mU opioid receptors in the brain. Ironically, I started taking tramadol in order to come off Nubain because many people on the boards recommended this. The problem was, I soon discovered that when taken in large enough dosages, that tramadol gave me an ever better, and long lasting high that lasts for several hours. Initially, I was taking 14 pills a day. I would start by taking 2 pills at 2P.M. and then taking 2 more every two hours after that. Later on, as a result of the combined dosages, and the extremely powerful binding of tramadol metabolites to the MU opioid receptor, I would be on cloud nine by the end of the day. I remember when I first ran out, I experienced horrible withdrawals: I lie in bed that night feeling extremely cold, anxious and shaking like a leaf. My legs kept on kicking out, I couldn't stop moving them around to get comfortable to fall asleep. In 2005, I had enough and checked into rehab. They put me on a small dose of suboxone to combat the withdrawals. After getting out of rehab, I felt like shit for the first 2 to 3 weeks. Then my body started to nomalize. I was put of effexor as an anti depressant. After a few months, I was feeling incredible, the best i've ever felt in my life. I was extremely confident in my workplace and in my personal life. I hadn't gone to any NA meetings or sought any additional help, I was confident that my addiction days were gone forever, boy was I wrong on that one. In the midst of my cockiness and 'feeling good' I had an affair on my wife. When she found out I told her I wanted to get a divorce. I had impulsively become smitten with this other woman, who was also married at the time. She ended up dumping me for some other guy and I began a 3 month period of sleeping around. In early June, I realized what a mistake I had made. I emotionally broke down and asked my wife for another chance. We both agreed on it. On June 16, things changed for the worst. I was restraining a deliquent youth and slipped, my left knee landed straight down on the concrete floor with a lot of force. I had torn my left quadricepts clear off the the tendon. I had to have surgery for it and was off work for several months. The mistake I made was accepting the generous prescriptions they were giving for hydrocodone. I rationalized that I needed it for the pain, but in reality, I could have done fine with just ibuprofen. By the fall, the doctor stopped prescribing the pills to me, so I started takng the tramadol again. There was tension in my marraige and my wife was getting fed up with my addiction problem, and rightfully so. Instead of facing my problem head on, I choose the pills over her and asked for a divorce. Around the same time, our house payments more then doubled because of our adjustable rate we had. We couldn't afford the payment, although I know that if I stopped buying the pills and worked enough overtime, that I could starve off giving up the house. By June of 2007, we had both moved out and left the house for the bank. I was overwhelmed with lonliness. I couldn't believe how much I missed her and also her two dogs. I knew I had made a serious mistake and there was no turning back. Soon she met some other guy, who I believe she is still with today. For the next couple of years, I continued to struggle with my addicton. Last fall I had quit for three months. When I was laid off from my state job of ten years, I let depression get to me and I started up my habit again. Only now, I was averaging 25 to 30 pills a day. Now, I am so fed up with this cycle of addiction. I want to end it for good and not turn back. If I don't, it will surely make my life even worse or even kill me. I know the pills are hard on my liver, because I was hospitalized once in 2005 for extreme stomach problems. The doctors told me my liver enzymes were around 400, though I can't remember which one exactly. The doctor was absolutely convinced I had hepatitis. I didn't tell him about the drug use, and knew deep inside this is caused the high liver count. Anyways, starting tommorrow I will once more enter the nasty several day cycle of withrawal. The first two days are the worst. I can manage them somewhat with high dosages of phenibut for the first few to 3 days, by then I should be fine. I'm writing about this and exposing myself because I think it will give me more incentive to stay clean. I know some people will say that I'm just weak, and to be honest, I have been. I need to be stronger. I'm almost 40 and I will not enter the second half of my life with this problem. Addiction has taken my life away from me, it has led me down an endless cycle of hopelessness and depression. I regret cheating on my wife and ending the marraige. I realize how insensitive I was and just how wrong my actions were. If I could go back in time and do things differently, I would. A big challenge for me is to be able to let go of all this and forgive myself for my past actions. The guilt and self hatred I have felt is immesurable, yet I know it is something I have to get through in order to live a healthy life once more. I know encouragement from people that have some understanding of what I'm going through will help tremendously. Now its an issue of pride: I've put it out there on a public board that i'm stopping this and I must. I've exposed my major weaknessness and now its up to me to get stronger again.

[Big Sky Guy]

Thanks for sharing that S of P. I am glad you are finding the desire for a better life and admitting your life is unmanageable.

Most people who do not involve themselves in helping others will eventually go back out. Heck, a good number who do get involved in NA and AA go back. Find a good group and a sponsor to help you through the process. You will make lifelong friends and find a better way of life one day at a time!

[SonOfPluto]

Ok..today is day two off. I thought I was doing fine until my car quit in the middle of the expressway coming home last night. God knows how much this is going to cost, and for the moment I don't even have a car. Withdrawals are probably at their worst: cold..even though its 80 degrees outside, sweating, and just the most persistant negative thoughts going through my mind. I found out that girl I was interested in was seeing someone else, ok...

[egokiller]

After reading your first post the thing that struck out at me most was the " some people will say I'm weak" phrase. You are not weak- you are really fucking sick. And no not sick in the synical term, but sick in the disease term. Much like you I lost everything due to addiction. What I felt brought me to my knees.

At this point you have 2 choices; 1) get help 2) continue back into this cycle and die. Please get help. There are millions of people just like you and me who have been through all of this shit and know how to stay clean. The best place to start looking is in the rooms of NA. Look up meetings in the area- get your areas hotline number, give it a call and they will find you a ride to meeting. I guarentee you'll hear atleast one thing that will speak to your soul. Keep going back and dont get high and you'll never have to feel like this again.

[Sistersteel]

A lot of emotions poured on this page. So many sentiments I would like to express right now, as reading your post reminded me, once again, of the ugliness of the disease we share . During you rehabilitation in 05, were you introduced in depth to the steps? How come you have not made an effort to find a local meeting FIRST before even thinking about battling your illness on your own?
You cannot fight this on your own my friend. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Powerlessness!! Before you’ve actively sought out help in your community and not on the boards, you have not surrendered yet. You have not admitted to yourself and to another that you are incapable of managing your life anymore on your own. Unmanageability!!

People. Places. Things … ALL need to be changed. Change your playgrounds and playmates. Get away from everyone and everything that reminds you of the dreadful state you are in. Change things..do NOT run away from them. Through the program you will learn to cope with these feelings of guilt and regret by developing the appropriate coping skills needed to alleviate this resulting self loathing that is only tearing you apart. Worry about getting help before you worry about making amends. Worry about loving yourself before you seek to love another. An addict in active addiction is incapable of loving anyone but themselves. We will pick our drug over life itself.

I remember packing my life and leaving my home to kick my habit on my very last breath. I had driven 1500 miles in about 7 days, pulling over in rest areas to wait out the withdrawals when they got real bad, when I developed a terrible fever. I had an abscess lanced on my left arm days before on the road, when I had initially tried to drain it myself because I did not have a dime to get treatment. So I let it go untreated while I rotted trying to get through the worst of the shakes. By the time the fever kicked in and I had gone through the worst of the withdrawals, my left arm was infected, the redness spreading up the arm to the shoulder. I got to an emergency room in CT where they looked at my arm and Immediately rushed me to the ER. The flesh was rotting and was rock solid with gangrene setting in. The hole was about an inch and a half deep and 2 inches wide where the infection had eaten the flesh away. But hey, I had kicked the habit and that’s all I cared about. It took 3 surgeries to save my arm……and a morphine drip. When they ran my blood work I popped up clean upon admissions so they had no idea what I was going through. I said it was a fishing accident and they bought it. I did not say no to the morphine drip, having already kicked a heroin habit which I was convinced was the very last time, 2000 miles from home…. I just could not say no. It was not about the high, I had not felt a high in years...I simply had NO control over that urge. I spent a month after that on vicodin and drove another 2000 miles trying to kick that.

Moral of the story …do not run away…. your demons will FIND YOU no matter where you go or how far you run. Change has to come from within.

Find a meeting, get a sponsor and get with the program. Its rock bottom for you my friend. No more wallowing in self pity. ASK ….ASK…..ASK…………. for help. And keep coming back.

Strength, faith and courage my brother,

SS

[sam]

something that stuck out to me was that you said "I'm almost 40 and I will not enter the second half of my life with this problem." i can't say that you are an addict. that is admission you'll have to make for yourself, but if you are, you will, without a doubt, take your desiese with you, for the rest of your life. there is no cure. if you could have stopped being an addict, don't you think you would have done it long ago? it sounds like you have suffered a number of hardships due to your using. i'm sure you wanted to 'leave it behind' before. as sister steel said, we are powerless. we can't get rid of it. all we can do is deal with it. the thing is, unless you are willing to make real, honest to goodness changes this time, and do EVERYTHING you possibly can, what is going to make this attempt different?

heres the good news. just becasue you're an addict doesn't mean that you have to use ever again. you have the choice today. i can't tell you what you need to do, but i can tell you what worked for me...the only thing that worked for me. when i was beaten...i mean, really beaten, i became willing to do anything it took to stay clean. thats the only way it worked for me. i found an NA meeting and went to it. i practiced being open minded and finding humility. i found addicts that had good recovery and i stuck to them like glue. i took their suggestions...even the ones i didn't want to take. i make 90 meetings in 90 days. got a sponsor. got involved. my thought used to be that if i went to NA, my life would be over. today though, i am happier and have more friends than i ever have. my life is good and i finally found balance, something that had always alluded me. i'm not saying i'm perfect now. i still make mistakes, but today the mistakes i make are usually new ones. in the past, i repeated the same mistakes over and over. it was the story of my life.

i spent 1/2 of my life on heroin. pain had given me the desire to quite for a long long time, but until i found the willingness to really ask for help and truly change, no matter how hard i tried, nothing was different.

[Sistersteel]

something that stuck out to me was that you said "I'm almost 40 and I will not enter the second half of my life with this problem." i can't say that you are an addict. that is admission you'll have to make for yourself, but if you are, you will, without a doubt, take your desiese with you, for the rest of your life. there is no cure. if you could have stopped being an addict, don't you think you would have done it long ago? it sounds like you have suffered a number of hardships due to your using. i'm sure you wanted to 'leave it behind' before. as sister steel said, we are powerless. we can't get rid of it. all we can do is deal with it. the thing is, unless you are willing to make real, honest to goodness changes this time, and do EVERYTHING you possibly can, what is going to make this attempt different?

heres the good news. just becasue you're an addict doesn't mean that you have to use ever again. you have the choice today. i can't tell you what you need to do, but i can tell you what worked for me...the only thing that worked for me. when i was beaten...i mean, really beaten, i became willing to do anything it took to stay clean. thats the only way it worked for me. i found an NA meeting and went to it. i practiced being open minded and finding humility. i found addicts that had good recovery and i stuck to them like glue. i took their suggestions...even the ones i didn't want to take. i make 90 meetings in 90 days. got a sponsor. got involved. my thought used to be that if i went to NA, my life would be over. today though, i am happier and have more friends than i ever have. my life is good and i finally found balance, something that had always alluded me. i'm not saying i'm perfect now. i still make mistakes, but today the mistakes i make are usually new ones. in the past, i repeated the same mistakes over and over. it was the story of my life.

i spent 1/2 of my life on heroin. pain had given me the desire to quite for a long long time, but until i found the willingness to really ask for help and truly change, no matter how hard i tried, nothing was different.

Thank you for sharing sam.
Good things come to addicts who stay clean...isn't that the truth!

The program gives you the tools. Its up to you to do something with them.

[SonOfPluto]

After reading your first post the thing that struck out at me most was the " some people will say I'm weak" phrase. You are not weak- you are really fucking sick. And no not sick in the synical term, but sick in the disease term. Much like you I lost everything due to addiction. What I felt brought me to my knees.

At this point you have 2 choices; 1) get help 2) continue back into this cycle and die. Please get help. There are millions of people just like you and me who have been through all of this shit and know how to stay clean. The best place to start looking is in the rooms of NA. Look up meetings in the area- get your areas hotline number, give it a call and they will find you a ride to meeting. I guarentee you'll hear atleast one thing that will speak to your soul. Keep going back and dont get high and you'll never have to feel like this again.


I really appreciate your post. I do feel like I'm sick and if I don't do something about this I will die. Death is another issue in itself for me. I have absolutely no fear of dying and crossing over into the next realm. In fact, I look forward to that day. However, I certainly don't want to do it as a prescription drug addict!! Now what would that accomplish?! I think there is some bigger purpose to my life, and I'm not going to accomplish whatever I need to by living my life out as an addict. Attending NA meetings is what I should have done all along, but I thought I could do it my way..ya know?

[sam]

Thank you for sharing sam.
Good things come to addicts who stay clean...isn't that the truth!

The program gives you the tools. Its up to you to do something with them.

you're right. the tools are always there, but like they say, the program isn't for people who need it but for people who want it. thanks for volunteering your time to this forum. nice willingness to do service ;)

[SonOfPluto]

A lot of emotions poured on this page. So many sentiments I would like to express right now, as reading your post reminded me, once again, of the ugliness of the disease we share . During you rehabilitation in 05, were you introduced in depth to the steps? How come you have not made an effort to find a local meeting FIRST before even thinking about battling your illness on your own?
You cannot fight this on your own my friend. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Powerlessness!! Before you’ve actively sought out help in your community and not on the boards, you have not surrendered yet. You have not admitted to yourself and to another that you are incapable of managing your life anymore on your own. Unmanageability!!

People. Places. Things … ALL need to be changed. Change your playgrounds and playmates. Get away from everyone and everything that reminds you of the dreadful state you are in. Change things..do NOT run away from them. Through the program you will learn to cope with these feelings of guilt and regret by developing the appropriate coping skills needed to alleviate this resulting self loathing that is only tearing you apart. Worry about getting help before you worry about making amends. Worry about loving yourself before you seek to love another. An addict in active addiction is incapable of loving anyone but themselves. We will pick our drug over life itself.

I remember packing my life and leaving my home to kick my habit on my very last breath. I had driven 1500 miles in about 7 days, pulling over in rest areas to wait out the withdrawals when they got real bad, when I developed a terrible fever. I had an abscess lanced on my left arm days before on the road, when I had initially tried to drain it myself because I did not have a dime to get treatment. So I let it go untreated while I rotted trying to get through the worst of the shakes. By the time the fever kicked in and I had gone through the worst of the withdrawals, my left arm was infected, the redness spreading up the arm to the shoulder. I got to an emergency room in CT where they looked at my arm and Immediately rushed me to the ER. The flesh was rotting and was rock solid with gangrene setting in. The hole was about an inch and a half deep and 2 inches wide where the infection had eaten the flesh away. But hey, I had kicked the habit and that’s all I cared about. It took 3 surgeries to save my arm……and a morphine drip. When they ran my blood work I popped up clean upon admissions so they had no idea what I was going through. I said it was a fishing accident and they bought it. I did not say no to the morphine drip, having already kicked a heroin habit which I was convinced was the very last time, 2000 miles from home…. I just could not say no. It was not about the high, I had not felt a high in years...I simply had NO control over that urge. I spent a month after that on vicodin and drove another 2000 miles trying to kick that.

Moral of the story …do not run away…. your demons will FIND YOU no matter where you go or how far you run. Change has to come from within.

Find a meeting, get a sponsor and get with the program. Its rock bottom for you my friend. No more wallowing in self pity. ASK ….ASK…..ASK…………. for help. And keep coming back.

Strength, faith and courage my brother,

SS

Wow..reading your story really hit home with me. If I had taken that step into using H, I could easily envision the same type of things happening to me..ending up in the hospital, or maybe even dead. Its inspiring that you found the inner strength to change from that into what you are today. Yes, I was introduced to the steps during my rehab stay. I just didn't buy into it at the time. I thought it was merely a matter of gutting out the withdrawal. I was clean for several months afterwards and was on effexor, I felt better then I have in my whole life, and then my life just self destructed, probably because I didn't take the time to deal with my 'inner demons', and I had a lot of them and still do.

[Sistersteel]

Wow..reading your story really hit home with me. If I had taken that step into using H, I could easily envision the same type of things happening to me..ending up in the hospital, or maybe even dead. Its inspiring that you found the inner strength to change from that into what you are today. Yes, I was introduced to the steps during my rehab stay. I just didn't buy into it at the time. I thought it was merely a matter of gutting out the withdrawal. I was clean for several months afterwards and was on effexor, I felt better then I have in my whole life, and then my life just self destructed, probably because I didn't take the time to deal with my 'inner demons', and I had a lot of them and still do.

A day at a time....just make an effort to continue to drop in and keep us in the loop on how the detox is going. We can offer guidance and support through these trying times. Good luck to you.

SS

[SonOfPluto]

I appreciate that sistersteel, probably my biggest challenge is to get over all the guilt and regret I have for a lot of the things I have done in my past. Letting go of the past is very difficult for me, and when I start getting those negative feelings back, I really feel the need to medicate and numb myself out.

[Big Sky Guy]

Feelings of guilt, regret and shame are tough to deal with Son of Pluto. It's almost as if you see the wave crashing down on you and fear creeps in that you will not be able to stand up when it crashes down on you.

TAKE THE WAVE my friend! Those feelings will crash over you and be intense, but they will subside just like the wave and you will once again be calm.

[irishpride]

i have a buddy in the NA fellowship (i am more of an AA man myself but could qualify at either) who once was so desperate for painmedication he kept claiming his old injury in his toe (crushed bones etc) was so bad he couldnt function..they kept giving him meds and kept trying things when finally they said the only thing left to do was remove his toe..he figured he could stay high for months then wth no real need to lie and they did so..today he has 5 years sober and tells the story wtih a big smile and laugh but to a "civilian" that would be just plain insane..insane it is and its amazing the depths we;d go to keep this illness going..imagine thinking having a part of your body cut off just to stay high a little longer? sad thing is at my bottom i could probably have done worse

[tight booty]

Just checking up on how you are doing Plutoman? And you are not weak at all, SS is right...drug addiction is a disease and you can beat this. You are strong, you must not let this addiction make you think otherwise.

[R.I.P.]

addiction is the disease. the drugs are a symptom.when all is said and done i used out of self centered fear. the text tells me this and i buy it. all i have to do is look at the cycles. my story is the text. scary cosidering it was wriiten by folks i never met. i had a sponsor once that told me that both my problem and the solution can be found in the basic text.
i had to surrender to win. i couldn't do it by myself, i tried. i couldn't trade one for another, i tried. addiction ends up the same. jails ,institutions and death. if you don't believe get clean and stick around for awhile. people i went to meetings with, some with substantial clean time are dead today because they had to have one more. i can always have one more but you know what, i may not make it back. one woman i know just started smoking a little pot. in a year they found her dead from a heroin overdose. it was the first time she ever shot dope , ever.
the disease of addiction is not something to play with my friends. i respect what it can do if i choose to use. just for today i'm staying put.
thanks for letting me share.

[SonOfPluto]

Just checking up on how you are doing Plutoman? And you are not weak at all, SS is right...drug addiction is a disease and you can beat this. You are strong, you must not let this addiction make you think otherwise.


Its been a struggle TB. I have a lot of guilt and remorse about things I did in the past involving my ex-wife, basically I fucked up and really miss what I had but that's gone forever now. The most difficult thing is the fact that I miss her dogs. I never realized just how much I was attached to them until I couldn't see them anymore. The saddness I feel sometimes seems unbearable, especially late at night. In the past I was medicating myself so I could just feel numb, but now I'm forced to deal with these issues head on and its really a bitch, a nightmare that seemingly never ends, at least that's the way I've been feeling. I'm moving out of state soon, to Texas. I feel it will be a new start for me. A new beginning after purging myself of my troubled past. Thank you for asking about me...

[tight booty]

Its been a struggle TB. I have a lot of guilt and remorse about things I did in the past involving my ex-wife, basically I fucked up and really miss what I had but that's gone forever now. The most difficult thing is the fact that I miss her dogs. I never realized just how much I was attached to them until I couldn't see them anymore. The saddness I feel sometimes seems unbearable, especially late at night. In the past I was medicating myself so I could just feel numb, but now I'm forced to deal with these issues head on and its really a bitch, a nightmare that seemingly never ends, at least that's the way I've been feeling. I'm moving out of state soon, to Texas. I feel it will be a new start for me. A new beginning after purging myself of my troubled past. Thank you for asking about me...
Plutoman, I know you are living with guilt and regret but you have to forgive yourself. You know, you are alive and even though you have made mistakes you still have many happy times ahead. Until you can forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, you will stay living in the past and full of guilt and regret. You have nothing to feel guilty about, whats done is done and you still have the rest of your life. And you are a great catch, worthy of a great girl. But until you forgive yourself, you won't attract any new energy into your life. Moving to Texas for a new start will probably be a great thing. New people, new experiences....;)

[Youngguns]

It's amazing how many drugs there are out there for "killing pain".

These drug companies are far more dangerous than any street dealers.

[tight booty]

It's amazing how many drugs there are out there for "killing pain".

These drug companies are far more dangerous than any street dealers.
I don't think they are more dangerous....it can just be deceptive and addicting and the patient should be informed of the possibilities of becoming addicted.