Recovery and Bodybuilding Contests

[sam]

hello everyone:wavey:

i'm really grateful to have found this forum. thank you to everyone who is working to build this online community.

like a lot of addicts, of all the struggles i have faced in life, balance has always been a big issue for me. i've been clean in recovery for 20 months now and in that time, my life has changed so dramatically. i'm sure that if you know the value of recovery, you understand exactly what i mean by this. life has gotten good. i find though, that if i don't follow my spiritual path, i can see myself losing grip of the wonderful sense of peace recovery has given me. i see myself slip back towards old ways of thinking. old behaviors. i try to stay in touch with this and talk about it at tables, ect. i do what i can to bring it out into the open, and there, it loses power over me.

right now, i'm a little less than 8 weeks out from my first bodybuilding show. i am going to be completely honest. i do not feel spiritual right now. i am not going to go out and use, but i know i need to change this or else that is where i would eventually end up. my life has been thrown out of balance. on one side of my life, i have recovery which is completely selfless, and on the other, i have bodybuilding, which is very selfish. i dont want to quite the show. i've put a lot into it and i believe that i can have both. while writing this post, i see that the answer just might be that if i put more into other parts of my life, i need to put more into my recovery program too, keeping reovery first.

i don't have many recovering friends that are involved in the sport and none that compete. so, my question to all of you is, if you compete and are in recovery, how do you manage the balance between contest prep and recovery/life? how do you put recoery first under such extreme conditions?

thank you for your thoughts

ps. i see, of my several misspellings, i misspelled contest in the title. is there anyway i can fix that?

[sam]

thanks SS, for fixing my thread title :)

[Sistersteel]

sam
The last time I was admitted to rehab, was post comp. I had started out my prep nice and strong and the closer I got to show time, the more stress I found myself under. I had not noticed how emotionally distant I was throughout my prep and how obsessed I had gotten with doing everything right until I found myself using to get through the final stages of the diet and cardio. I had switched trainers at the time and was doing 3 hours of cardio daily for weeks without any chemical assistance to aid in recovery and so I was beyond overtrained….

I was Hungry… I had been calorie deficient for 20 weeks with the last 6 being less than half my normal intake. I was following a no carb diet at that point to add to the misery of the situation.

I was Angry… I was not happy at the fact that I had to switch trainers 6 weeks out from a show. I did not like the new approach the new hire was taking in getting me ready, especially when I found out he had no solid experience with female bodybuilders and diet. He basically thought I was “too big”, considering his experience was in figure prep, and so he starved every last ounce of muscle off my body. I lost 20lb of muscle in those 6 weeks.

I was Lonely…I had pushed everyone away and distanced myself from family and friends for fear of anyone getting in my way or keeping me from giving 110% to my prep. I had neglected my loved ones emotionally for so long and my obsession consumed me so completely, that I had hardly even noticed myself driving everyone away from me in the process. As long as I was on track and I had no distractions though, I was fine. I had become so self absorbed that I paid little to no attention to the disaster brewing…tearing me down a day at a time…

I was Tired…I was just spent. 3 hours of cardio daily with no recovery time and the pressure of the upcoming show left me sleep deprived during that time…I had also fallen into a trap with this new hire who apparently had underlying intentions that were far from noble. I will not get into that at this present time.

So being hungry, angry, lonely and tired (HAULT) are the classic triggers of a relapse of any addict. Competitive bodybuilding only takes hungry, angry, lonely, and tired to a whole new dimension. The stress comes with the territory. And stress is what an addict needs the LEAST of in his life. That, and the obsessive nature of an addict will make it hard to prep while maintaining a healthy balance necessary to keep priorities in check. Balance and moderation are two concepts that will always be foreign to us. There is nothing you can do to change what you are, you can only learn to recognize unhealthy behaviors when they start manifesting themselves, and try and keep yourself in check. Anything that encourages you to distance yourself from others (which many competitive bodybuilders do while prepping), to put one goal before everything else (that is making your prep your primary concern), to focus on your own needs regardless of everyone else’s (a selfish approach is necessary to be successful in this sport), is highly detrimental to you as a addict in recovery, especially with you having little clean time. Twenty months is a HUGE and commendable achievement, and the peace and serenity you feel is just one of the miracles that the program promises…but believe me my friend, the best is yet to come. Many blessings come to those who stay clean.

You have already begun to experience this detachment. You’ve put a lot of time and work into your prep, but you’ve put twice and three times that into your recovery. Your sobriety HAS to always be your number one priority because without it, you will never be able to manage your life well enough to function let alone step on a stage. Your need to fulfill that urge to use will rob you once again of all that recovery has blessed you with.

So the rigors of contest prep will almost certainly rattle your confidence. You might not end up using this time, but you will most certainly think about It a lot more often than you should. It makes you vulnerable and susceptible to the influences that the drug has on your psyche. You will give your disease power over you again if you allow it to infiltrate your life through your obsessions. We have not even begun to describe the post comp effects on your wellbeing. Once it’s all said and done and the lights go out, you will be left with an emptiness far more consuming than ever before. You had used your prep to fill that void and it served as a suitable replacement for the daily fix you were accustomed to getting.

Competitive Bodybuilding, by nature, encourages behaviors and habits you need to stay away from. You had a heroin addiction. Heroin makes it hard for your body to produce endorphins on its own and so many recovered addicts will chase that good feeling by finding a substitute to their DOC. Substituting one addiction for another can also imply swapping a drug out for an unhealthy behavior that produces the same instant gratification we thrive on.

If you are using performance enhancers, or steroids, or any chemical aid to assist you with your prep, then you are walking a very fine line and are bound to fall. There is nothing you can do about it. Abstinence is HUGE the first few years in recovery and the NA program frowns on those among us who do not practice that. Sobriety does not mean putting your drug of choice down, sobriety is putting every drug and drink down for good. Are you using enhancers to assist you in your prep? I find it highly likely that you are unless you are competing in a drug tested federation.

So in closing, you asked for advice on balancing recovery with contest prep. At the stage you are at, your recovery must be your number one priority. Sobriety and the NA principles clash with the rigorous demands of competitive bodybuilding.

Looking forward to your response.

SS

[sam]

hmm, i'd like to explain a little more of what i mean by feeling nonspiritual and feeling myself drift backwards. i think i should have gotten more specific so it was better understood just where i stand. before i came to recovery, i did use BB as a substitute for drugs. it was out of control. i would not miss a meal for anything. at one point, i even quite taking a class, in part, because i wasn't able to eat exactly at the optimal time. i was like that for 2 years, abstaining of drugs, but as sick as if i were still using. when i came to recovery, everything changed. i realized how much bigger my addiction is than just the drugs. i realized how using BB to replace the drugs did nothing to help me learn to cope with life. i learned that even though i wasn't on dope, i was just as helpless and self centered, if not more, than before i had traded my addiction off for BB. at that point, i stopped training all together for 6 months. i didn't want to risk putting anything in front of doing what i needed to do to make recovery work for me. i found that down the road, when i became comfortable enough to begin living life again, it was a lot easier to not take training to the OCD level i had in the past.it was a great relief. in part, i had to work at that, going out of my way to always make sure that i was being honest with myself about where i stood. in part, the balance came naturally and i didn't have to fight to maintain perspective.

today, when i say that i feel i am lapsing back into old patterns of thought, it's because i see that my commitment to the idea of doing a contest puts more importance on everything i do. i feel more of the pressure to eat exactly the way i need to, to train exactly the way i need to. i believe this higher state of focus and dedication would be natural for anyone, addict or not, who is planning to compete. because of my awareness of how i can pervert anything i touch, it makes me feel uncomfortable to be "too" involved in anything. like i said, i have 20 months in recovery. there are a lot of things that are new to me. the question i'm posing relates to learning to apply recovery in every aspect of my life. this is an area that i am not familiar with navigating. i know the way i treated BB before and i know that it won't work now. as a matter of fact, i had tried to enter a show before recovery, but in the end, i self destructed. it was the story of my life. i hadn't gotten anywhere near where i am now. this is something i decided to do in the late winter and now i've managed to get all the way down to 8 weeks out. i could not have gotten this far if it weren't for learning a new way of life. i believe i can do this and it doesn't have to end the way everything used to end in my life. there are a lot of places in my life that i am learning to follow through. it is rarely easy, but what worth having is easy to get?

i feel close to the story you shared about melting down during prep. it's heart breaking to hear. i could tell you similar stories about parts of my past. i understand that if i were anywhere near that place, the show wouldn't be the right thing to do...not by a long shot. i also assume that you are not that person today and if you were to compete now, things might play out differently. so thats what i'm writing about. i want to know how people have learned to deal with the stresses of this very specific event. i already know, all to well, how i would have handled it before.

thank you.

[Sistersteel]

hmm, i'd like to explain a little more of what i mean by feeling nonspiritual and feeling myself drift backwards. i think i should have gotten more specific so it was better understood just where i stand. before i came to recovery, i did use BB as a substitute for drugs. it was out of control. i would not miss a meal for anything. at one point, i even quite taking a class, in part, because i wasn't able to eat exactly at the optimal time. i was like that for 2 years, abstaining of drugs, but as sick as if i were still using. when i came to recovery, everything changed. i realized how much bigger my addiction is than just the drugs. i realized how using BB to replace the drugs did nothing to help me learn to cope with life. i learned that even though i wasn't on dope, i was just as helpless and self centered, if not more, than before i had traded my addiction off for BB. at that point, i stopped training all together for 6 months. i didn't want to risk putting anything in front of doing what i needed to do to make recovery work for me. i found that down the road, when i became comfortable enough to begin living life again, it was a lot easier to not take training to the OCD level i had in the past.it was a great relief. in part, i had to work at that, going out of my way to always make sure that i was being honest with myself about where i stood. in part, the balance came naturally and i didn't have to fight to maintain perspective.

today, when i say that i feel i am lapsing back into old patterns of thought, it's because i see that my commitment to the idea of doing a contest puts more importance on everything i do. i feel more of the pressure to eat exactly the way i need to, to train exactly the way i need to. i believe this higher state of focus and dedication would be natural for anyone, addict or not, who is planning to compete. because of my awareness of how i can pervert anything i touch, it makes me feel uncomfortable to be "too" involved in anything. like i said, i have 20 months in recovery. there are a lot of things that are new to me. the question i'm posing relates to learning to apply recovery in every aspect of my life. this is an area that i am not familiar with navigating. i know the way i treated BB before and i know that it won't work now. as a matter of fact, i had tried to enter a show before recovery, but in the end, i self destructed. it was the story of my life. i hadn't gotten anywhere near where i am now. this is something i decided to do in the late winter and now i've managed to get all the way down to 8 weeks out. i could not have gotten this far if it weren't for learning a new way of life. i believe i can do this and it doesn't have to end the way everything used to end in my life. there are a lot of places in my life that i am learning to follow through. it is rarely easy, but what worth having is easy to get?

i feel close to the story you shared about melting down during prep. it's heart breaking to hear. i could tell you similar stories about parts of my past. i understand that if i were anywhere near that place, the show wouldn't be the right thing to do...not by a long shot. i also assume that you are not that person today and if you were to compete now, things might play out differently. so thats what i'm writing about. i want to know how people have learned to deal with the stresses of this very specific event. i already know, all to well, how i would have handled it before.

thank you.

A different person, I am indeed. However, as a fulltime competitive athlete in 3 sports OTHER than bodybuilding, I can tell you that the thought of competing in bodybuilding is not a thought that I ever care to entertain ever again. Like I said, the sport encourages behaviors that are detrimental to people with addictive personalities, especially those with a pre existing drug habit.

Are you using steroids or any other drugs to assist you with your prep? Remember, we do not judge each other in these forums and I am not trying to corner you by asking you that question twice. I really would like to know.

I also would like to know how long you had been on heroin and what route of administration you prefered.

Is this your first time in recovery? How old are you?

[sam]

PEDs and recovery. that's a pretty difficult topic. this is my personal take. i dont expect you or anyone to agree with me. i dont see them as black and white as i would a recreational drug. i've thought long and hard about this. i've talked to other addicts. i've talked to my sponsor. i've talked to my parents. talked to my g.friend( who has been in recovery for several more yrs than me). i've been very open with the people in my life, simply because it isn't something i want to keep a secret. that doesn't mean that i tell strangers at tables. the conclusion i've come to is that there are things i don't have a problem taking and things i won't touch. i believe that drugs used for proformance enhancement can fall into 2 categories that can be an issue for someone in recovery. i ask myself, 1, are they psychoactive? and 2. where do they fall under the law? i am willing to break 2, but avoid 1. for example, i'm willing to use gh even though the manor in which i got it may not have been spiritual, but i will not touch most of the over the counter fat burners, especially things like ECA, because i know they make me feel different. i dont believe that this logic makes taking a drug perfectly ok, but i do not think that means i've relapsed either. as far as more hardcore drugs, i have very low test and will be on maintainace for the rest of my life. i'm ok with that and actually feel more balanced on trt than i ever had in my life. in part, i believe that low test was genetic, but my doctor also points out that it is a very common problem for heroin addicts. he's an addictionologist and told me that they are just now starting to understand the impact opiates have on the HPTA. in the past, it was completely over looked. these are my choices and for the most part, i am ok with them.

as far as your other questions, i started using drugs/drinking, early on, around 15. eventually, i had IVed heroin for the first time around age 19. i used for about 1 year straight, until i hit the first of many bottoms. i wouldn't say this is my first time in recovery, but i would say that it is the first time i have become willing to do the work. i'm in my mid 30s now. in all the years of knowing drugs, i had spent a great deal of time abstinent.i would try to live life and hide from the fact that i was "different". really, i lived in misery. then, every 4 years or so, when something i couldn't handle happened, i'd fall apart. unlike some addicts who can use for years and years at a time, i would self destruct much quicker. once i picked up, my life would be unlivable within a few months. i would give it all to my addiction very fast.

do you mind if i ask, out of interest, what sports do you compete in now?

before i got into recovery, i was an artist. i spent over a decade, going to the right schools, working for the right people, having the right shows, living in the right places. i had a natural gift.i worked hard to cultivate it and worked my ass off to sell myself. i experienced success and it was growing, but it was a very small, insular world i lived in, based around self obsession. my biggest melt down was back in 05, while preparing for a large one person show. it was one of those shows that would change your life...and it did. things got so bad that i pulled out and went to rehab. after i got clean, i stopped making art. could i do it differently today? sure. it just isn't something that i want to entertain now and i feel comfortable (for the most part) leaving that in my past. so, that being said, i can understand how the idea of a BB show would not be the first thing you wanted to do in recovery. however, i am interested to know, do you know people who are in recovery who compete? i'm sure they are out there and i would like to know how they handle themselves.

thank you for your time, btw. you're really making me think.


A different person, I am indeed. However, as a fulltime competitive athlete in 3 sports OTHER than bodybuilding, I can tell you that the thought of competing in bodybuilding is not a thought that I ever care to entertain ever again. Like I said, the sport encourages behaviors that are detrimental to people with addictive personalities, especially those with a pre existing drug habit.

Are you using steroids or any other drugs to assist you with your prep? Remember, we do not judge each other in these forums and I am not trying to corner you by asking you that question twice. I really would like to know.

I also would like to know how long you had been on heroin and what route of administration you prefered.

Is this your first time in recovery? How old are you?

[sam]

by the way, i'm really meditating on this...

"So the rigors of contest prep will almost certainly rattle your confidence. You might not end up using this time, but you will most certainly think about It a lot more often than you should. It makes you vulnerable and susceptible to the influences that the drug has on your psyche. You will give your disease power over you again if you allow it to infiltrate your life through your obsessions. We have not even begun to describe the post comp effects on your wellbeing. Once it’s all said and done and the lights go out, you will be left with an emptiness far more consuming than ever before. You had used your prep to fill that void and it served as a suitable replacement for the daily fix you were accustomed to getting."

i guess at the heart, i really see this as my concern. i see the confidence issues. i can see the pressure that can put on my well being. maybe there isn't an answer that i want to hear. maybe there is no healthy way to go about contest prep. at the end of the day, i really am open to that. it's not what i want of course, but i am willing to admit that maybe it just doesn't work for addicts. thats what i want to figure out. at the same time, i wouldn't want to die to learn my lesson. yea, it's a fie line.

[Sistersteel]

sam
I am sure there are many people in recovery who compete. Like you said, they are certainly out there. But not many people are willing to be as open or upfront about these matters, especially when the lifestyle encourages behaviors that causes many recovered addicts to stray from the spiritual path they sought out and found in NA.

You cannot claim to be a recovered addict in NA if you are using any substance, psychostimulant or other. The principles of the program are etched in stone. They are not meant to be customized to suit the whims of every addict who decides to pick and choose what he thinks he should or should not be using. You asked your parents and your sponsor for advice on the matter when I am sure neither have the first clue what competitive bodybuilding entails or how it has led to the relapse of many athletes in recovery.

That being said, the purpose of an NA section on a bodybuilding forum is to encourage conversations of this nature. Bodybuilders use more drugs than all other athletes combined. However, there is a difference between drug management and recovery through NA. No one said there is one way to get sober...but there is only ONE way to get sober in NA.

You have to remember that many people out there read these forums, regardless of whether they decide to share or not, and some people's lives depend on following the program to the T. Many recovered addicts in NA will crucify you for even remotely trying to justify what you are doing.
We had a thread on this forum a while back entitled: "If you use Steroids, are you still sober." Well we had many individuals in recovery, such as yourself, come forth and admit that they do use steroids yet had not touched their drug of choice in decades. That thread sparked up so much controversy and instigated some very heated arguments that very quickly led to insults and hate mail, with lurkers of these forums joining the board just to put in their 2cc on how disgraceful these discussions were and what a slap in the face it was to those in recovery who actually DID follow the book religiously. We even had requests to remove the NA logo from the home page. So, unfortunately for many of us, the attacks detered many posters in your situation from every sharing again. This is a very sensivitve matter for a lot of people. Somone out there takes their recovery just as seriously as your take yours, only might not see eye to eye with you on certain things and will crucify for your choices. Some people can say things that cut like a knife and the power of the spoken word can be detrimental to someone new to recovery. So I have made it a priority of mine to defend people in your situation from such attacks and advise you on the best possible approach to dealing with the psychological component of your dilemma.

As a messenger of NA, I am obligated to say that sobriety constitutes complete and total abstinence. There are no exceptions.

As a recovered athlete, I will tell you that many roads lead to Rome..however, I cannot openly respond to your inquiry, honestly, and offer you any guidance on an open NA forum. We have to respect the program and its principles as well as fellow addicts in recovery who live their lives by the book. I cannot pick and choose who frequents this forum and who reads these threads so I created a subforum under NA. You can see the subforum when you first enter the NA forums. That is a password protected forum for discussions of this nature. At my discretion, I pick and choose whom I think could benefit form access to that forum. That way, you can feel more comfortable about expressing yourself and your feelings without fear of being judged, as well as get an honest opinion from a few select individuals who can offer a lot of insight on your situation.

We aim to keep drug management discussions and recovery according to the NA principles completely separate. That way, we can alleviate the possibility of having another emotional meltdown. Do not expect to get support and understanding from everyone. As addicts, we are quick to judge, especially each other.

You have 2 options:
We can take this to the private forums where we can have a lengthy discussion on this matter that I believe you will find rather insightful. However, you will have a much smaller audience as very few people have access to those forums.

or

We can keep this discussion going on the open NA forum where you are subjecting yourself to criticism and the possibility of having to deal with very negative and discouraging responses from lurkers who do not condone any type of drug use while in recovery. Many will make a mockery of your claims of sobriety as long as you continue to use. This forum is strictly moderated and sensored, unlike the rest of the board, and there is zero tolerance to attacks on ones character or condemning people for their choices. I do my best to protect the newcomer, but there is only one of me and I might not get to an ugly comment in time to pull it before you've had the chance to read it. I am sure you are a big boy and can handle criticism well, however, I think it would be best you not be subjected to that negativity so early in your recovery.

I will PM you the password to the private forum where I look forward to continuing this discussion with you.

Respect,

SS

[sam]

i remember being 21 or so, and being ripped apart by some old timers because i was taking an antidepressant given to me by my doctor. they had o clue about my life or medical history but thought it was ok to advise me. i've had to learn the hard way that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me and my life. they aren't the ones who look at my reflection in the mirror. i knew that being honest may mean that someone else might disagree with me, but i figured, whats the point in even talking about this, if i'm going to hide the facts. at the same time, i don't want encurage an attacks or start any type of debate. i only want to better understand the perspectives of people who have an understanding of where i coming from and who are open minded enough to talk about it. i'm sure you see that. thanks for inviting me to the sub-forum. i think moving this coversation to a better place is a good idea.

[Sistersteel]

i remember being 21 or so, and being ripped apart by some old timers because i was taking an antidepressant given to me by my doctor. they had o clue about my life or medical history but thought it was ok to advise me. i've had to learn the hard way that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me and my life. they aren't the ones who look at my reflection in the mirror. i knew that being honest may mean that someone else might disagree with me, but i figured, whats the point in even talking about this, if i'm going to hide the facts. at the same time, i don't want encurage an attacks or start any type of debate. i only want to better understand the perspectives of people who have an understanding of where i coming from and who are open minded enough to talk about it. i'm sure you see that. thanks for inviting me to the sub-forum. i think moving this coversation to a better place is a good idea.


Good call. I will leave this thread out here if you wish and leave it open just in case someone has something positive or useful to contribute. If not, I will lock it and move it to the private forum entirely. Just start a new thread in the private forums. No need to tell your story over, just maybe make mention of anything additional you might have liked to share and have not done so thus far.

[Sistersteel]

I honestly don't understand why people are so afraid to come to terms with their shortcomings.

sam, I honestly did not think you would give up so easily.. rather than make an effort to stay and share, you took off on your merry way....it's a damn shame.

Good luck to you.

SS

[sam]

I honestly don't understand why people are so afraid to come to terms with their shortcomings.

sam, I honestly did not think you would give up so easily.. rather than make an effort to stay and share, you took off on your merry way....it's a damn shame.

Good luck to you.

SS

oh ye of little faith lol,

i'm still here. i thought we were giving this thread a little time, seeing if any dialog came from it, from the public. plus, i really see the message board as a starting point. i have been assessing my situation and goals...thinking about what i really want. honestly, i've taken a lot of what you said to heart and i'm processing it. really, up until last night, i was feeling little overwhelmed. i feel a little more directed after talking about all of it with some friends at a table. one of my issues in recovery seems to be remembering to invite my higher power into the thoughts i'm having. i had spent most of my life, trying to do everything on my own. reaching out and givin my thoughts to my higher power is something i can forget to do. it's a tool i forget i have. i was thinking about the 3rd step in regards to asking for help and today, i feel less of the weight this conversation brought on me. so yea, i'm still here and i'm thinking about our conversation. :p

[Big Sky Guy]

Glad to have you posting sam!

You are walking through a very interesting situation. Competing in an activity that requires so much personal dedication, self-control, and even outside control (of people, places and things those last weeks) leads to a level of near narcisism even in well-balanced people. That seems to be the biggest difficulty that I read competitors talking about...the mind screw of the last several weeks of contest prep.

You are there...and you are asking yourself the right questions as you are feeling less spiritually connected than normal. The real danger sets in when you don't even realize you are wandering away from that connection. Relapse seems to happen most often when people are either cocky and think they are untouchable or when they are dealing with the HALT issues. You are surveying your situation and making decisions rather than allowing the contest to dictate your life. We all seem to struggle with balance and also with knowing we need to live unbalanced for a period. You are looking for ways to counteract the feelings and emotions brought on by serious prep..cudos my friend!

Here is a bit of my background- I was 9 years clean and sober when I did my first cycle of AAS (Test). I ran several more cycles and tried a few other compounds over the next couple years before realizing that I was not really as spiritually fit as I needed to be to continue with AAS. Being on was no longer a help to staying fit, it was a controlling factor in my life.

I stepped away from AAS for a couple years before my life was in the low-test dumps...classic symptoms of no energy, no desire to face life, rarely working out, no desire for my wife. So I started out on HRT and gained back my energy and desire to face life again. Most docs would have looked to an anti-depressant when it was just low test. Even with good people around me in the program and a great wife, when the hormones are out of whack, life is tough. I do more than just HRT for about 1/2 the year with a PL phase in winter and a conditioning phase in the summer with the fall and spring at HRT levels.

So, where is the line. I am in AA, and in principle according to the book, anything not prescribed legitimately by a doc is counter to sobriety. Then it becomes a personal issue as so much of the program is up to the person to determine. I decide if I am a member. The tough spot is in being a member and taking actions that appear contrary to the desired ultimate outcome of clean and sober.

In the Big Book it specifically speaks about doing a sex inventory and that it is up to the individual to determine what their safe and sane future ideal is. Why am I talking about a sex inventory in the midst of an AAS discussion??? I use that inventory concept to shape what my safe and sane ideals are for significant portions of my life including how much coaching I do, how I behave as a coach, spending money, my parenting, being a husband, how I work and how I go about my health and fitness.

Those who say no use will continue to say none. But many will come to realize that life is ultimately more about relationship than rules. Rules serve a very good purpose to provide a pathway, but AA does not have rules. People in the program make up rules to make themselves feel more secure, to give them a sense of structure and movement through a process, but sometimes sadly they also use them to make themselves feel superior. Legalism is the enemy of growth in the long term. People that are new to recovery are often much better off with a fairly straight forward path, but ultimately they will need to need to cultivate a relationship with a higher power and gain faith in something other than rules. Pharisees live in fear, worshipping their own actions (glorifying themselves) rather than pouring their time and effort into the relationship and helping others where there is freedom.

The Big Book says that we will be able to go anywhere in life if we have a good reason. That means we will be free from the things that bound us if we do the work. It also means we will need to not bind ourselves to other things that will separate ourselves from a relationship with a higher power. The end question may be- Are we using AAS as a tool, or as a way to avoid something?

I believe you have the right attitude to succeed sam. We are generally more sucessful of we have one or a couple people in our life that we give permission to call us out on anything. This would be very valuable during the end of prep.

[sam]

thanks BSG. i can see that you have given a great deal of thought to this subject that i've been trying to better understand. i've read your post a few times now. i can't really respond too much at this point. it's a lot to think about and a lot to consider, especially the question of why am i using AAS...as a tool or a way to run? i am thinking about these things and trying to be honest with myself. so for now, i'm only responding to say thank you for sharing with me, what you've learned from your experince.


Glad to have you posting sam!

You are walking through a very interesting situation. Competing in an activity that requires so much personal dedication, self-control, and even outside control (of people, places and things those last weeks) leads to a level of near narcisism even in well-balanced people. That seems to be the biggest difficulty that I read competitors talking about...the mind screw of the last several weeks of contest prep.

You are there...and you are asking yourself the right questions as you are feeling less spiritually connected than normal. The real danger sets in when you don't even realize you are wandering away from that connection. Relapse seems to happen most often when people are either cocky and think they are untouchable or when they are dealing with the HALT issues. You are surveying your situation and making decisions rather than allowing the contest to dictate your life. We all seem to struggle with balance and also with knowing we need to live unbalanced for a period. You are looking for ways to counteract the feelings and emotions brought on by serious prep..cudos my friend!

Here is a bit of my background- I was 9 years clean and sober when I did my first cycle of AAS (Test). I ran several more cycles and tried a few other compounds over the next couple years before realizing that I was not really as spiritually fit as I needed to be to continue with AAS. Being on was no longer a help to staying fit, it was a controlling factor in my life.

I stepped away from AAS for a couple years before my life was in the low-test dumps...classic symptoms of no energy, no desire to face life, rarely working out, no desire for my wife. So I started out on HRT and gained back my energy and desire to face life again. Most docs would have looked to an anti-depressant when it was just low test. Even with good people around me in the program and a great wife, when the hormones are out of whack, life is tough. I do more than just HRT for about 1/2 the year with a PL phase in winter and a conditioning phase in the summer with the fall and spring at HRT levels.

So, where is the line. I am in AA, and in principle according to the book, anything not prescribed legitimately by a doc is counter to sobriety. Then it becomes a personal issue as so much of the program is up to the person to determine. I decide if I am a member. The tough spot is in being a member and taking actions that appear contrary to the desired ultimate outcome of clean and sober.

In the Big Book it specifically speaks about doing a sex inventory and that it is up to the individual to determine what their safe and sane future ideal is. Why am I talking about a sex inventory in the midst of an AAS discussion??? I use that inventory concept to shape what my safe and sane ideals are for significant portions of my life including how much coaching I do, how I behave as a coach, spending money, my parenting, being a husband, how I work and how I go about my health and fitness.

Those who say no use will continue to say none. But many will come to realize that life is ultimately more about relationship than rules. Rules serve a very good purpose to provide a pathway, but AA does not have rules. People in the program make up rules to make themselves feel more secure, to give them a sense of structure and movement through a process, but sometimes sadly they also use them to make themselves feel superior. Legalism is the enemy of growth in the long term. People that are new to recovery are often much better off with a fairly straight forward path, but ultimately they will need to need to cultivate a relationship with a higher power and gain faith in something other than rules. Pharisees live in fear, worshipping their own actions (glorifying themselves) rather than pouring their time and effort into the relationship and helping others where there is freedom.

The Big Book says that we will be able to go anywhere in life if we have a good reason. That means we will be free from the things that bound us if we do the work. It also means we will need to not bind ourselves to other things that will separate ourselves from a relationship with a higher power. The end question may be- Are we using AAS as a tool, or as a way to avoid something?

I believe you have the right attitude to succeed sam. We are generally more sucessful of we have one or a couple people in our life that we give permission to call us out on anything. This would be very valuable during the end of prep.

[Big Sky Guy]

Sam- As much as I just wrote about rules and relationship and process. I believe strongly in being pretty regimented early on, establishing a new pattern for life. You have been around long enough to know that learning to listen and share and ask for help is new for most of us. In the beginning I went to at least 5 meetings a week and worked the steps with my sponsor, went to conferences all over the country and have been at 2 international conventions over the years. My sponsor believed in laying a strong foundation so that we could have some freedom in the future.

Over the years I have found I also have commitment to family, community and whatever God as I understand him puts in front of me. I still try my best to make at least 2 meetings a week at my home group and be in touch with my sponsor a couple times a month. I guess part of what I am bringing to the table for all of us is finding balance. Hard work for us.

A broader question for all of us is- Do I get excited about what I am doing? Whether it be PL/SM/BB oir just hitting the gym real regular, does it add to my life the majority of the time or has it become something that erodes away at my relationships and wrecks my life? It is not just about the use of AAS, it is really about the overall lifestyle. Am I living a lifestyle that energizes me, that I am enthusiastic about, or am I hiding out in my lifestyle choices?

[sam]

i hear what you're saying. maybe i should have worded that a little differently...not just AAS, but bodybuilding as a whole...the activities i choose to do, as a whole. before i found recovery, everything i did was unhealthy. like i mentioned earlier to SS, before BB, art was a huge part of my life and i didn't need any type of substance to act out in unhealthy ways, through the creative process.

i understand why you're telling me about the need to create new, healthy patterns, as part of recovery and agree with you. you wouldn't know it since i haven't said much about my program, but i do go to meetings regularly and get involved. i do service, share the message at hospitals regularly(H&I) and i try to reach out to newer members whenever and however i can. these things are important to me and are a big part of my life. most of my friends are also in recovery, as is my girlfriend. i'm sure some people do more than me and i'm sure some people do less. i try to be honest with myself and ask if i am doing enough. i guess the problem might be that i am putting so much effort into the prep, i might be finding that it is very hard to do enough in recovery to maintain balance through all areas of my life. sheer energy alone, i see myself putting more energy into training than my program. thats what bothers me. maybe as SS concluded in her life, it isn't possible to contine moving forward in my program and compete in BB.

i will think about the things you've said. i plan to reread them again later and share them with a friend to see what he thinks. if this raises more questions, and if you don't mind, i will be sure to pick your brain.

sam


Sam- As much as I just wrote about rules and relationship and process. I believe strongly in being pretty regimented early on, establishing a new pattern for life. You have been around long enough to know that learning to listen and share and ask for help is new for most of us. In the beginning I went to at least 5 meetings a week and worked the steps with my sponsor, went to conferences all over the country and have been at 2 international conventions over the years. My sponsor believed in laying a strong foundation so that we could have some freedom in the future.

Over the years I have found I also have commitment to family, community and whatever God as I understand him puts in front of me. I still try my best to make at least 2 meetings a week at my home group and be in touch with my sponsor a couple times a month. I guess part of what I am bringing to the table for all of us is finding balance. Hard work for us.

A broader question for all of us is- Do I get excited about what I am doing? Whether it be PL/SM/BB oir just hitting the gym real regular, does it add to my life the majority of the time or has it become something that erodes away at my relationships and wrecks my life? It is not just about the use of AAS, it is really about the overall lifestyle. Am I living a lifestyle that energizes me, that I am enthusiastic about, or am I hiding out in my lifestyle choices?

[Big Sky Guy]

You're on a good path my friend!

[Sistersteel]

oh ye of little faith lol,

i'm still here. i thought we were giving this thread a little time, seeing if any dialog came from it, from the public. plus, i really see the message board as a starting point. i have been assessing my situation and goals...thinking about what i really want. honestly, i've taken a lot of what you said to heart and i'm processing it. really, up until last night, i was feeling little overwhelmed. i feel a little more directed after talking about all of it with some friends at a table. one of my issues in recovery seems to be remembering to invite my higher power into the thoughts i'm having. i had spent most of my life, trying to do everything on my own. reaching out and givin my thoughts to my higher power is something i can forget to do. it's a tool i forget i have. i was thinking about the 3rd step in regards to asking for help and today, i feel less of the weight this conversation brought on me. so yea, i'm still here and i'm thinking about our conversation. :p

I empathize with you and understand how difficult it is sometimes to stomach certain things. I would describe that feeling as a fear driven anxiety, one that I am all too familiar with. But I am very happy to know that you are still around and pondering on our conversation. I am guilty of forgetting to surrender all my woes and struggles to my higher power, especially when life is good and I am feeling rather stable emotionally. Its when we are drowning in despair, worry, fear or anxiety that we look for something or someone to latch on to so desperately.

Its a learning process and I am still learning.

SS

[egokiller]

I compete nationally and at a world level in powerlifting. Ill be clean one year july 21st; for this i can completely relate. With this being said, I tried to get ready for a meet back in march and everything went to shit, I felt completely disconnected, pissed off, angry all the time. I had to stop and figure shit out. Ok 1) what was I doing in my recovery when I felt good ? 2) What is powerlifting preventing me from doing?. Not easy questions to answer, but its not as complicated as you think. I found out it wasnt powerlifting causing these problems it was me being lazy. As addicts we love choas so I would subconsiously create situations where I had to choose between working out and going to a meeting. Hmmm lose-lose if I dont work out then Ill feel like a loser and if I do workout Ill feel like worse from not going to a meeting. I had to competely rearrange my schedule so that I could workout and eat when I was exactly supposed to, yet still make my meetings.


I know for myself when Im getting ready to compete( Im 8 weeks out now) I need a meeting everyday. One, it keeps me from thinking about the upcoming meet. Two, it keeps me spiritual and connected with other in recovery. Three, I actually lift better; weird I know but if I miss meetings then Im going to have shitty workouts because my mind wont be centered, Ill be all over the place overanalyzing. You didnt get clean to be miserable. If your making yourself choose between BB and recovery your not managing your time right man. Relax get yourself to a meeting - EVERYDAY. Watch as it things start seeming really easy. Bring your meals to the meetings- I do people dont care im quiet about it and everything works out.

BB is a lifestyle same as powerlifting you have to make it fit recovery not recovery fit BB. My schedule never changes only differences is the type and intensity of my workouts closer to a meet. ( Plus getting into all that cheater bench shirts I use LOL)

[Sistersteel]

I compete nationally and at a world level in powerlifting. Ill be clean one year july 21st; for this i can completely relate. With this being said, I tried to get ready for a meet back in march and everything went to shit, I felt completely disconnected, pissed off, angry all the time. I had to stop and figure shit out. Ok 1) what was I doing in my recovery when I felt good ? 2) What is powerlifting preventing me from doing?. Not easy questions to answer, but its not as complicated as you think. I found out it wasnt powerlifting causing these problems it was me being lazy. As addicts we love choas so I would subconsiously create situations where I had to choose between working out and going to a meeting. Hmmm lose-lose if I dont work out then Ill feel like a loser and if I do workout Ill feel like worse from not going to a meeting. I had to competely rearrange my schedule so that I could workout and eat when I was exactly supposed to, yet still make my meetings.


I know for myself when Im getting ready to compete( Im 8 weeks out now) I need a meeting everyday. One, it keeps me from thinking about the upcoming meet. Two, it keeps me spiritual and connected with other in recovery. Three, I actually lift better; weird I know but if I miss meetings then Im going to have shitty workouts because my mind wont be centered, Ill be all over the place overanalyzing. You didnt get clean to be miserable. If your making yourself choose between BB and recovery your not managing your time right man. Relax get yourself to a meeting - EVERYDAY. Watch as it things start seeming really easy. Bring your meals to the meetings- I do people dont care im quiet about it and everything works out.

BB is a lifestyle same as powerlifting you have to make it fit recovery not recovery fit BB. My schedule never changes only differences is the type and intensity of my workouts closer to a meet. ( Plus getting into all that cheater bench shirts I use LOL)


That, and having a good sponsor to talk to on a daily basis, throughout the course of the day. If you decide to continue in the lifestyle and compete, then the more stress you find yourself under, the more meetings you should go to and the more regularly you should connect with your sponsor.

Thank you, egokiller, for this insightful post and for sharing.

Respect,

SS

[defg300]

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