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View Full Version : Suggestions for dealing w/ insecurities...



cranny
03-12-2009, 04:03 PM
Hi ladies.
Here's the dealio. I have a beautiful wife but w/ her comes a bit of baggage I can't seem to shake; or at least lighten. We own our own gym and are both big into fitness. I'm a wannabe BB'er who has competed once and will be again this summer. She once made the comment that the better I start to look the more she doesn't like it,WTF? This was while I was cutting for my show. Well it's already started this year and I'm just over 20 wks. out at the moment. She said something condescending about already getting vascular. I can't understand this b/c I support her w/ her interests and want her to look her best should this be her goal. It seems as if it's a competition thing b/n us. I'm not suppose to look better than her I guess. She's afraid of other women wanting me; yeah right. Ladies, I'm the farthest thing from a playa, trust me. She is all I want and need but it can get frustrating busting your ass w/ training and dieting and then not having your spouse support you. I mean she will but you can tell she doesn't like it ultimately. At least she does acknowledge it and has gotten better but we have such a long way to go.
Any suggestions on reassuring her she's number one?

powermania
03-12-2009, 04:15 PM
Hi ladies.
Here's the dealio. I have a beautiful wife but w/ her comes a bit of baggage I can't seem to shake; or at least lighten. We own our own gym and are both big into fitness. I'm a wannabe BB'er who has competed once and will be again this summer. She once made the comment that the better I start to look the more she doesn't like it,WTF? This was while I was cutting for my show. Well it's already started this year and I'm just over 20 wks. out at the moment. She said something condescending about already getting vascular. I can't understand this b/c I support her w/ her interests and want her to look her best should this be her goal. It seems as if it's a competition thing b/n us. I'm not suppose to look better than her I guess. She's afraid of other women wanting me; yeah right. Ladies, I'm the farthest thing from a playa, trust me. She is all I want and need but it can get frustrating busting your ass w/ training and dieting and then not having your spouse support you. I mean she will but you can tell she doesn't like it ultimately. At least she does acknowledge it and has gotten better but we have such a long way to go.
Any suggestions on reassuring her she's number one?

you need to sit her down and express your sincerity about this issue. How you want to do this for your self. How much you enjoy doing this for you. Dont throw at her that you support her here you support her there. But turn it around and express to her how much you love to do this for you and see how far you can push your self.

Tell her how much you love her and show her how much you love her. If she really feels the love then I dont think there should be an insecurity issue with her. Is she really inshape? Maybe she feels insecure about getting in bed with you when you look increddible and she feels sluggish. Why dont you get her to diet with you if that is the case? Make this a partner thing.

cranny
03-12-2009, 04:40 PM
you need to sit her down and express your sincerity about this issue. How you want to do this for your self. How much you enjoy doing this for you. Dont throw at her that you support her here you support her there. But turn it around and express to her how much you love to do this for you and see how far you can push your self.

Tell her how much you love her and show her how much you love her. If she really feels the love then I dont think there should be an insecurity issue with her. Is she really inshape? Maybe she feels insecure about getting in bed with you when you look increddible and she feels sluggish. Why dont you get her to diet with you if that is the case? Make this a partner thing.

Thanks, I'll def. give it a shot.
She's in pretty good shape. Not comp. shape but damn sure beach ready if that makes sense. She's 5'-7", 140lbs., and wears a size 6 in clothes. Yes I'm biased b/c she's my wife but I did good w/ her based on looks. I don't think I could have done much better. Her'es a pic of her and I at the beach. I'd say she's pretty much this size year round give or take a few lbs.
http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a381/crannyman/100_0943a.jpg

sassy69
03-12-2009, 04:41 PM
It seems like when you're going after something that is so time-consuming like BB, people around you either want to get in & do it with you, or retreat and actually start to resent it. The sources of all this can be all over the place - personal insecurities, resentment of perceived time lost to focus on the prep / gym time / can't relax & enjoy a nice meal and some wine, etc. And even harder if she's gone thru this experience before and developed a certain set of feelings about it. I"ve got a friend who basically just agreed to a separation over his involvement in BB. And I think we all know its not just the doing of a competition, but how fundamental the whole sport is to your own personal well-being and sense of satisfaction. So that makes it a very hard thing to be asked to compromise. So what to do?

It pains me to see people just accept some sort of separated compromise where the other person just stews in their resentment and lives around your prep. I personally find that people accomplish so much when they have a goal, but things just get muddied when there isn't support around you or you can't share in that goal - i.e. when you share something w/ someone, it grows exponentially, but when you do it despite someone, the satisfaction comes at a price. I see my parents like this w/ my dad's golf. He's a golf nut had has been for 60 yrs. They've worked out a compromise where mom let's dad go golf and she has stuff she likes to do around the house and they just accept that that's the way it is. I feel bad for my mom because w/ my dad and his golf, she also has as her set of friends, the wives of my dad's buddies who play. And they are all sort of chitty chatty backstabbing flaky women. My mom isn't like that at all, so she just barely tolerates them. She has ended up being much more of a loner than she might've been otherwise. (Interestingly I'm a lot like her in that way). But she seems satisfied with it and she's very creative with her own time.

So I guess what I'd love is if you can bring your wife into the prep - tell her you'd love it if she'd do the diet with you, train with you, etc. Tell her you all can play "Let's put Cranny's Protan on" and such... make it fun, make her feel sexy, give you an outlet for your increasingly sexy body. And make sure you just ooze attention on her, maybe even to tease the other perceived women she feels threatened by. Make her feel like she's always part of your team and no one else is, period.

It does take two people to make that work, but go out of your way to make her feel like you're all hers and no one else's, and also invite her to join in what you do - come inside the wall instead of standing behind it. Its sort of like the difference between when you feel like its "Us" and when you feel like its "You" and "Me".

sassy69
03-12-2009, 04:42 PM
Cranny - she's gorgeous -- love the hell out of her! Tell her you want to give her the best body you can because she makes you want to be the sexiest piece of meat she'll ever chew on.

Suzy Brown
03-12-2009, 05:08 PM
I'd be more along the lines of "I'd never say something like that to you. Why do you think its ok to say things like that to me? Why would I want to be with someone who puts me down? Are you TRYING to piss me off? Are you TRYING to wreck our relationship?"

Based on this line: She said something condescending about already getting vascular.

I think its really bad news when one partner thinks its ok to talk down to the other. I'd let her know ASAP that is not cool. ((that's just me tho, that's how I'd do it))

cranny
03-12-2009, 07:32 PM
It seems like when you're going after something that is so time-consuming like BB, people around you either want to get in & do it with you, or retreat and actually start to resent it. The sources of all this can be all over the place - personal insecurities, resentment of perceived time lost to focus on the prep / gym time / can't relax & enjoy a nice meal and some wine, etc. And even harder if she's gone thru this experience before and developed a certain set of feelings about it. I"ve got a friend who basically just agreed to a separation over his involvement in BB. And I think we all know its not just the doing of a competition, but how fundamental the whole sport is to your own personal well-being and sense of satisfaction. So that makes it a very hard thing to be asked to compromise. So what to do?

It pains me to see people just accept some sort of separated compromise where the other person just stews in their resentment and lives around your prep. I personally find that people accomplish so much when they have a goal, but things just get muddied when there isn't support around you or you can't share in that goal - i.e. when you share something w/ someone, it grows exponentially, but when you do it despite someone, the satisfaction comes at a price. I see my parents like this w/ my dad's golf. He's a golf nut had has been for 60 yrs. They've worked out a compromise where mom let's dad go golf and she has stuff she likes to do around the house and they just accept that that's the way it is. I feel bad for my mom because w/ my dad and his golf, she also has as her set of friends, the wives of my dad's buddies who play. And they are all sort of chitty chatty backstabbing flaky women. My mom isn't like that at all, so she just barely tolerates them. She has ended up being much more of a loner than she might've been otherwise. (Interestingly I'm a lot like her in that way). But she seems satisfied with it and she's very creative with her own time.

So I guess what I'd love is if you can bring your wife into the prep - tell her you'd love it if she'd do the diet with you, train with you, etc. Tell her you all can play "Let's put Cranny's Protan on" and such... make it fun, make her feel sexy, give you an outlet for your increasingly sexy body. And make sure you just ooze attention on her, maybe even to tease the other perceived women she feels threatened by. Make her feel like she's always part of your team and no one else is, period.

It does take two people to make that work, but go out of your way to make her feel like you're all hers and no one else's, and also invite her to join in what you do - come inside the wall instead of standing behind it. Its sort of like the difference between when you feel like its "Us" and when you feel like its "You" and "Me".
As always thanks for the help Sassy. I like the idea of including her. She has done some pretty strict dieting before. Maybe I can think of a goal she can shoot for as well. This would be awesome us both doing a comp. diet. I've tried sev. times to get her to commit to a figure comp. But she claims stage fright would get the best of her and will talk herself out of it every time.

sassy69
03-14-2009, 05:45 AM
As always thanks for the help Sassy. I like the idea of including her. She has done some pretty strict dieting before. Maybe I can think of a goal she can shoot for as well. This would be awesome us both doing a comp. diet. I've tried sev. times to get her to commit to a figure comp. But she claims stage fright would get the best of her and will talk herself out of it every time.


FWIW, I've accomplished a lot in my life, but I consider my first time on stage to be one of the major red letter dates in my whole time on the planet. I was scared shitless & half in the bag from drinking red wine that morning, but I did it. And everything I've done since that I can feel that nervousness or panic coming on, I figure if I can prance around on stage in protan & a bikini, there's really not much else I should be worried about.

And if its just not important for her to do the stage thing (for some people they have stage fright anyway, but the whole competition thing just isn't something they feel is important), you never lose at any point in prep all the way up to a show date or a target destination. Even setting a goal of doing something special like a photoshoot together (how cool would that be to put up on the wall at your gym? Motivation much for your members??) around your contest time. Make that the goal. Make it a big deal to do together. Do it at the beach or some place that gives you a chance to explore some artistic stuff. For ex, there's a really cool fountain by my gym that is like a giant rock slab w/ water running down it that I would LOVE to get pix in front of. Just something that lets you get creative and think what would be cool & meaningful for you both. This doesnt' require competition physique, but it approximates the process & the goal and gives you something really fun & memorable that you can both share & be proud of at the end of it all.

And seriously, nothing gives you a greater sense of comfort w/ your own body than when you know you look damn good. And w/ that comes greater self-confidence, which turns your "walk" into a "strut" .. which eventually leads to some really mindblowing sex ... ... anyway.. you get where I'm going w/ this.