Trust issues and Sobriety

[Sistersteel]

Brothers and Sisters
I been thinking about starting a thread like this one for a while now.
So the question is, Have your Family and Friends lost their Trust in you completely?

We tell so many lies when we are using, so many times, and hurt so many people over and over and over again that we pretty much burn our bridges. Sadly, some people will never forgive us. So we clean up and try to make amends, desperate to absolve ourselves of our guilt, but unfortunately it is sometimes its just too late. That is how we lose very close people in our lives...for good.

So, before I tell you my story, how is everyone's lack of trust and faith in you affecting your sobriety? How bad is it for you having to live with the constant reminder of all the people you screwed over?

How much damage did you cause?

Respect,

SS

[AUXeSIS]

My girlfriend and I started our relationship 5 years ago when I was still drinking. We had a one year "break" in the middle where we lived apart but remained in constant contact. During that time I cleaned up my act, got sober and we resumed our relationship to where it is today - 2 and a half years later. Suffice to say, she has seen the best and worst of me! To her credit she has always been there...

Today, we still struggle with trust issues - as you say SS "We tell so many lies when we are using, so many times, and hurt so many people over and over and over.." and God knows I told her some huge lies! Unfortunately this continues to affect our relationship today.

E.G. My workmates (5 guys) are planning a weekend away at a shack on the river. Sure there will be drinking and plenty of it - but these guy's aren't Alcoholics just guys that can enjoy a drink and have a good time. My partner "refuses" to let me go - she just doesn't trust me in that sort of environment. Of course she can't stop me going, but to "keep the peace" I'm just not going.

On the one hand, I can understand that she cares about me deeply, and doesn't want to see me in what she considers to be a vunerable position. However, I am confident in my resolve not to drink, and have finally got myself into a position where I can socialise comfortably without drinking. By not going I feel like I am missing out on somethings and I am fearful of becoming resentful toward my partner because of it.

Ultimately and unfortunately, if I continue to make sobriety the number one priority in my life, I feel that these feelings will contribute to the demise of our relationship - sooner rather than later.



.

[Big Sky Guy]

Took my parents about 5 years before one day I drove into town to visit them and decided to go to a meeting and my mother said, "You know, I almost forgot that you went to meetings."

Fences were mended long before that and bygones were bygones, but by 5 years my life, my way of thinking and acting, had so radically changed that she forgot I was an alcoholic. A testament to what the Steps and Sponsorship and Taking Actions I did not always want to take...calling regularly, visiting whenever I could, forgiving them for mistakes they may have made while raising me (the same way I wanted them to forgive me for the things I put them through while drinking) and ultimately living differently.

There was very little trust in the beginning. Heck, I could not really trust myself. We spent years tearing things down and it will take some time to build them back up. As it says in the book, some may never forgive us. That has to be OK. We are doing our part by making the approach and attempting to set the record straight. Actions often speak louder than words when it comes to trust.

Lots of living amends had to happen before my wife trusted me, and even then she could only open up partially. We have grown closer over the years, making breakthroughs here and there, sometimes very significant ones and ultimately becoming good friends along the way.

[msfit]

Trust is earned. Just like mistrust. The "follow through" is the difference. My kids didn't really like the No really means No, but once they got that, they did like the consistency.
I follow through most the time very well, I'm still a work in progress, I still make mistakes. I own my shit, no excuses...it's not always pretty either :) but the freedom from that is priceless.

[Sistersteel]

My girlfriend and I started our relationship 5 years ago when I was still drinking. We had a one year "break" in the middle where we lived apart but remained in constant contact. During that time I cleaned up my act, got sober and we resumed our relationship to where it is today - 2 and a half years later. Suffice to say, she has seen the best and worst of me! To her credit she has always been there...

Today, we still struggle with trust issues - as you say SS "We tell so many lies when we are using, so many times, and hurt so many people over and over and over.." and God knows I told her some huge lies! Unfortunately this continues to affect our relationship today.

E.G. My workmates (5 guys) are planning a weekend away at a shack on the river. Sure there will be drinking and plenty of it - but these guy's aren't Alcoholics just guys that can enjoy a drink and have a good time. My partner "refuses" to let me go - she just doesn't trust me in that sort of environment. Of course she can't stop me going, but to "keep the peace" I'm just not going.

On the one hand, I can understand that she cares about me deeply, and doesn't want to see me in what she considers to be a vunerable position. However, I am confident in my resolve not to drink, and have finally got myself into a position where I can socialise comfortably without drinking. By not going I feel like I am missing out on somethings and I am fearful of becoming resentful toward my partner because of it.

Ultimately and unfortunately, if I continue to make sobriety the number one priority in my life, I feel that these feelings will contribute to the demise of our relationship - sooner rather than later.



.


Very thought provoking. I can definitely see where you are coming from.
So you have about two and half years of clean time, I gather? I have over twice that under my belt and still will not allow myself within a fifty mile radius of my drug of choice. If I may express my opinion based on my own experiences and my willingness to help, your sobriety should always be your number one priority. Without it you have NO life, let along one where you feel deprived of things you enjoy doing. Your partner has been there with you through some very tough times..think back on those times when you had no one but her to reach out to. There is no room for resentful feelings. I put my partner through hell, and he still married me! There are God sent angels among us people! Just need to keep an open heart...


Respect,

SS

[Sistersteel]

Took my parents about 5 years before one day I drove into town to visit them and decided to go to a meeting and my mother said, "You know, I almost forgot that you went to meetings."

Fences were mended long before that and bygones were bygones, but by 5 years my life, my way of thinking and acting, had so radically changed that she forgot I was an alcoholic. A testament to what the Steps and Sponsorship and Taking Actions I did not always want to take...calling regularly, visiting whenever I could, forgiving them for mistakes they may have made while raising me (the same way I wanted them to forgive me for the things I put them through while drinking) and ultimately living differently.

There was very little trust in the beginning. Heck, I could not really trust myself. We spent years tearing things down and it will take some time to build them back up. As it says in the book, some may never forgive us. That has to be OK. We are doing our part by making the approach and attempting to set the record straight. Actions often speak louder than words when it comes to trust.

Lots of living amends had to happen before my wife trusted me, and even then she could only open up partially. We have grown closer over the years, making breakthroughs here and there, sometimes very significant ones and ultimately becoming good friends along the way.


I just love what's going on in this thread! Great posts from everyone. Here is a glimpse at my reality...


After I cleaned up and had some clean time under my belt, I decided to take on full responsibility of the household and provide for my family. That includes my husband, my mother, myself and my 4 pets.

So I work like a slave by choice and make enough money to take care of everyone..however...

1- I don't have a dime to my name. Everything I make is in my husband's name. That resulted from me draining everyone's bank account overnight back in the day. So I am not trusted with credit cards, debit cards, or large sums of cash at ANY time.

2- I do not have keys to cars, to homes, to safes and have no idea where my family hides the spares. Back in the day, I sold every last piece of gold that had been passed down in my family for decades to support my habit. I am proud to admit though that I made enough money to BUY my shit back a few years later...that, unfortunately, does not apply to the gold I've traded for dope though. (Had a ten gram solid gold lighter once that I traded for a ten dollar back of heroin...i know..i know... i need to be shot).

3- I do not have a car. I came home one night many years ago missing the front end of a brand new honda. Have not been allowed to take the car out since for any reason, by myself, especially if I am in a bad mood. I am actually not allowed to step outside the front door of my house if I am in a and mood for a harmless walk to unwind.

I find many of these things amusing, but I love my husband more than I love my drugs, and if that's what it takes to make it all up to him...so be it.


Just for today!


SS

[Big Sky Guy]

Very interesting situation indeed SS. We have a 19 YO daughter who has been in and out of sobriety for a few years and we do not give her more than a few bucks here or there and do not co-sign loans or even allow her on our cell plan. Those are simple boundaries for us, but we do not try to control her behavior.

I could see the scenarios you describe as truly being helpful in the very beginning, but ultimately the book says that family, friends, employers etc are not to try to keep people away from drinking/drugging situations. It is up to the person to do the work, not other people. I can agree with some of the ideas being for your own safety, but eventually the reins have to be let go and you have to be allowed to do it on your own...booted out of the nest so to speak.

How do you grow emotionally and spiritually if you do not confront these situations yourself, with the help of a sponsor and home group and God, if you are never allowed to try. I could see having your own checking account with your own personal spending money in it...even if it is just a hundred bucks a month...all the rest of the money can go in the other account that you don't have access to. Sorry if it sounds like advice....particularly if you are really OK with it for now.

You say you are OK with it..then as you say, so be it.

Thanks for sharing! Blessings

BSG

[Sistersteel]

Thank you very much for the input brother :)
Actually, I am the one who encourages these boundaries that my husband and family have set. I was the one who put everything in my husband's name and would rather not know where spare keys are. Like you said, those who have not given up on us, forgive us and move on and forget the fact that we ever had a problem. But these boundaries make it easier for everyone to remember, they are a reminder that certain precautions must be always taken. Honestly, my family trusts me more than I trust myself.

Have I been in uncomfortable situations since I been sober? Many times. I work in the adult industry. I am around drugs day and night.
But I have Jesus today. I might not be as strong tomorrow. You never know what life throws at you and I want to be prepared.

I have another relapse in me but not another recovery. If I pick up again, its over for me this time.

SS

[Sistersteel]

Sorry I was trying to hit the quote button and ended up screwing the posts up. I think I've cleaned my mess up though :)

[AUXeSIS]

Very thought provoking. I can definitely see where you are coming from.
So you have about two and half years of clean time, I gather? I have over twice that under my belt and still will not allow myself within a fifty mile radius of my drug of choice. If I may express my opinion based on my own experiences and my willingness to help, your sobriety should always be your number one priority. Without it you have NO life, let along one where you feel deprived of things you enjoy doing. Your partner has been there with you through some very tough times..think back on those times when you had no one but her to reach out to. There is no room for resentful feelings. I put my partner through hell, and he still married me! There are God sent angels among us people! Just need to keep an open heart...


Respect,

SS


Thank you SS, ( and yes 2 and half years clean time). I really appreciate you taking the time to give me a different perspective. Whether my relationship with my girlfriend survives or not - I will always consider her to be one of those angels.

Food for thought, hmmmm....

[Sistersteel]

Thank you SS, ( and yes 2 and half years clean time). I really appreciate you taking the time to give me a different perspective. Whether my relationship with my girlfriend survives or not - I will always consider her to be one of those angels.

Food for thought, hmmmm....

Very true. I am sure there are other circumstances that lead to break ups, divorces, separation etc..It certainly does not have to be trust related. And that does not mean that people should part on bad terms. Some people might even become best of friends.

I am not one to advise you here on the right thing to do. God knows I have done the wrong thing over and over again. However, I do think I am in a place today where I can offer an opinion from a professional addict's perspective LOL. My advice is based on my own experiences and a genuine desire to help others. I just hope that my thoughts might influence someone to making the right decision for themselves.

Thank you for taking my opinion into consideration.


Respect,

SS

[Big Sky Guy]

SS- I read that all wrong then :)

Day by day I place my trust in the reedeming power of what Jesus did for me. Took me a long time to understand it. He didn't bring it to my attention till I was 10 yrs sober. I guess I was not ready to make the decision until that day.

So- as the title of the thread suggests, trust and sobriety. I chose to trust and believe that day and it opened up a whole new realm to my sobriety.

[AUXeSIS]

Very true. I am sure there are other circumstances that lead to break ups, divorces, separation etc..It certainly does not have to be trust related. And that does not mean that people should part on bad terms. Some people might even become best of friends.

I am not one to advise you here on the right thing to do. God knows I have done the wrong thing over and over again. However, I do think I am in a place today where I can offer an opinion from a professional addict's perspective LOL. My advice is based on my own experiences and a genuine desire to help others. I just hope that my thoughts might influence someone to making the right decision for themselves.

Thank you for taking my opinion into consideration.


Respect,

SS


I welcome your input SS... as you know it takes one to know one, ;). So I am really open to having someone give me there thoughts. You've highlighted some things I should seriously consider - often I am guilty of only thinking about me, me, meeee!

[Sistersteel]

I welcome your input SS... as you know it takes one to know one, ;). So I am really open to having someone give me there thoughts. You've highlighted some things I should seriously consider - often I am guilty of only thinking about me, me, meeee!


Hey I think about me me me too...very often still :)

I put a big effort into working on my humility. :angel:

[Sistersteel]

SS- I read that all wrong then :)

Day by day I place my trust in the reedeming power of what Jesus did for me. Took me a long time to understand it. He didn't bring it to my attention till I was 10 yrs sober. I guess I was not ready to make the decision until that day.

So- as the title of the thread suggests, trust and sobriety. I chose to trust and believe that day and it opened up a whole new realm to my sobriety.


Speaking of trust..I posted this the other day, you might have missed it...

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He is my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to walk alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and
cried "How can you be so slow" "My Child,
"He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."



Just give it all to Jesus!

[Big Sky Guy]

That writing brought up the thought of "Let Go and Let God"

I do not use the phrase that often, but it sure fits with the topic of trust.

[Sistersteel]

"Let Go and Let God"... I LOVE IT! :)

[Sistersteel]

Yes, and this is the hardest pill to swallow........too much damage to describe online. This is the hardest part for me.


I feel your pain Lisa. You do not bare that cross alone sister. But all you can do is your best today. Forget about tomorrow.


SS